We were to play horseshoes… at least that’s what Kevin said. So, just off “stage” I meet the competition, a nice man from Illinois who informs me that we’re not playing horseshoes in a conventional sense of the game. Instead, we’re going to be using standard commercial toilet seats for horseshoes. Needless to say, I see that I’ve been HAD. Kevin, the former nicest guy in three states, has just cost himself a big tip. I was looking forward to telling my boys about how I practiced all the time when I was younger, just so I could win this… and how hard work always pays off. I’ll get you Kevin.*

The first throw from my opponent was off to his right, but dead even with the post. My first attempt was thrown “just a little long”, say about 12 feet. After taking my criticism from the Master of Ceremonies, I knew I was ready. My opponent decided to put a touch more on his next one and threw it long, but both of his attempts combined didn’t add up to the space between my first throw.
Then came my next attempt… Dave Meggyesy, a former NFLer says, “The zone is the essence of the athletic experience and those moments of going beyond yourself are the underlying allure of sport.”

In slow motion, the “horseshoe” left my hand. It had the same feel about it, it was definitely going to be going long. I don’t really know what happened immediately after, but it was a dead ringer. The crowd went wild, and I did my best to find my wife and kids in the stands to give them a thumbs up. I would have run a victory lap, but like I said earlier, I weigh 250 pounds and I don’t like running. The final throw from my opponent was a half-hearted attempt, he knew he’d been beaten. I tossed the last one, much like the first… long and to the right, but it didn’t matter. The South was victorious.

For my trouble, I got a small medal and the adoration of my new fans. My wife was rolling her eyes as I did my best to be humble and shrug off my newfound greatness with the disclaimer, “I know my way around the toilet seat.”

We’ll see who rolls their eyes when I wear that medal to bed tonight.

*Kevin inadvertently made me a “champion” in the eyes of my children… he got his tip. No servers we’re harmed in the production of this article.